Last Updated: 8/13/2025
Welcome to AirMart, the world's premier marketplace for premium atmospheric experiences. By breathing while using our website, you agree to be bound by these Breathing Terms. Please read these terms carefully before purchasing any air products (this is serious legal stuff about air).
By breathing while accessing our website, you acknowledge that you understand the superiority of paid air over free air. If you disagree with these terms, please hold your breath until you see the value in artisanal oxygen (not recommended).
To purchase premium air, you may need to create a Breathing Account™. You are responsible for keeping your login credentials as secure as your air supply. Sharing your account is like sharing your breathing - technically possible but not recommended. Please notify us of unauthorized access faster than you'd gasp for air.
We guarantee our air descriptions are 100% accurate (air is air, after all). Our Premium Mountain Air really does contain 21% oxygen, just like regular air! If our air doesn't meet expectations, you can try to return it, but good luck proving you didn't breathe it. All sales are final once inhaled.
Air prices fluctuate based on atmospheric pressure, market demand, and our mood. We reserve the right to discontinue free air entirely (just kidding, we can't do that). Payment must be made before breathing commences. We accept all major credit cards, but not IOUs, breath mints, or promises to "pay you back later."
Our air arrives as fast as... well, air! Delivery times depend on atmospheric conditions, wind patterns, and the carrier's lung capacity. We're not responsible for air that gets mixed with other people's exhales during transit. Once delivered, the air is your responsibility – please breathe responsibly.
Returns are accepted within 30 days, but products must be unused (good luck with that). To return air, simply exhale it back to us in its original molecular composition. We'll process refunds within 14 business days, minus a 50% "re-oxygenation fee." Note: CO2 produced as a byproduct becomes our property.
All air compositions, breathing techniques, and atmospheric blends are proprietary to AirMart. You may not reproduce our air recipes, teach others our premium breathing methods, or create knockoff air without written consent. Reverse-engineering our air through chemical analysis is strictly prohibited and frankly, pointless.
AirMart is not responsible for any side effects of premium air, including but not limited to: sudden feelings of superiority, the urge to explain air vintages at parties, or the inability to breathe peasant air ever again. We are also not liable if you become addicted to our premium oxygen or develop an air-collecting obsession.
We reserve the right to modify these terms whenever atmospheric conditions change or when we think of funnier disclaimers. Changes will be announced via carrier pigeon (breathing optional). Continued breathing after modifications means you accept the new terms, whether you read them or not.
For questions about these Breathing Terms, contact our Air Consultants at breathe@airmart.com. Please note: we only respond to inquiries sent while breathing premium air. Free air users will be directed to our FAQ section. Response time depends on atmospheric pressure.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical demo website. No actual air is sold. Please continue breathing the free, perfectly adequate air around you. This entire page is a joke about the absurdity of commercializing basic necessities. The only thing you should buy here is the impressive web development skills demonstrated by this site!